TWO LETTERS.

Hullo ma wee blog,

On October the fourteenth 1964, Nikita Khrushchev, leader of the Soviet Union, was deposed by his rivals in the Soviet central committee. When his successor Leonid Brezhnev took over he found on the desk in his office a hand-written note and two sealed envelopes from the defeated predecessor. The note said, "Keep these letters safe and when things go wrong and you don't know what to do next, open the first letter. The next time things go wrong and there is no escape from disaster open the second letter." 

About a year into his new office the situation was precarious and Brezhnev was on the brink of political defeat. Having tried everything he knew and his advisers being unable to come up with any kind of solution, he was sitting at his desk when he remembered the note and letters from Khrushchev. In desperation he rifled through the drawers of the desk until he found the note. He re-read the note and tore open envelope one.

Inside was written two words, "BLAME ME".

He did, and miraculously this saved the political situation. 

Several years later another crisis loomed and he was again faced with complete disaster. Once more he remembered the advice from his predecessor and the resulting successful recovery and once again he retrieved the letter from his desk. With a smile he opened the letter and began to read. The letter said,

"Sit down and write two letters." 

See you later.

Listening to:

Women - Know your Limits......

A step too far......

Let's just say.


No Darling, your not wrong.

{You're just not as right as I am.}


I'm going to get in so much trouble for this!!!!

Jings!

Sometimes we all need a bit of advice.........

Hullo ma wee blog,

There are two friends in a bar having a drink when one of them indicates he should be getting home as it's getting late.

"I can't stay out too late because my wife goes ballistic. No matter how quiet I am coming into the house she is always awake, waiting to chew me out. It's awful sometimes. Even if I coast the car up the drive, quietly close the doors take off my shoes outside and carefully open and close the front door and tip toe up to the bedroom, she always hears me and starts that 'And what time of night do you call this' argument"

His friend shakes his head and sympathises.

"That's terrible! You do realise though that your not tackling this problem the right way.....? What I do is I stay out as late as I want. I tear the car up the drive with the stereo blaring. I slam the doors shut and sing going up the path to the house. I crash in and slam the door behind me and stomp up the stairs taking my clothes off as I go. Then I burst into the bedroom leaving the door open and I say to my wife that I've had a great night, I belch and tell her loudly 'Now I want to make love all night!' "

"My God! What happens then?" Says the astonished friend.

Absolutely nothing - she's always fast asleep!!!"


See you later.....

Listening to...

There are 10 kinds of people.........

101001010101011001010101010101010101010101


Those that understand binary and those that don't.........


Mwahahahahaha......


{I don't}

Animal Diplomacy.........

Tian Tian

Hullo ma wee blog,

Hullaballo and cute photo opportunities abound with the announcement that two breeding age giant pandas are being given by China to Edinburgh Zoo.

 The bears Tian Tian and Yangguang, a breeding pair born in 2003, will be under the custodianship of the zoo society.  The project represents the culmination of five years of political and diplomatic negotiation at the highest level and it is anticipated the giant pandas will arrive in their new home in Edinburgh as soon as a date is agreed. The gifting of these animals is a diplomatic gesture symbolising hoped for closer ties between China and the UK.

But wait a minute.

Is this for real?

Is this an offer made in black and white?

Do we have to Panda to the Chinese from now on?

Frankly I'm bamboo-zled....

Still on a cheerier note - at least they weren't gifted to Glasgow or they could have ended up like this alleged pair of Rangers supporters !



 
Animal diplomacy has been around for centuries. Numerous governments have been brought down by a coo!

OK. OK. I'm sorry!!!

See you later

Glasgow's Miles Better............

Hullo ma wee blog,

Glasgow has long been known as one of Europe's murder capitals. It's famous or infamous for its knife culture. Yet, it's also recognised as one of Europe's friendliest cities too.

So. What does this all mean?

Just that the man who stabs you will probably give you directions to the nearest hospital too.......

That's got to be reassuring.

see you later.

listening to U2, 'With Or Without You'

IT and Management.....

Hullo ma wee blog,

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."


"You must be in Management!" replied the woman.

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my blooming fault..."

That sounds familiar somehow, doesn't it?

see you later.

Listening to Snow Patrol 'It's Beginning to Get to Me'

Makes you Proud to be A Scot

Hullo ma wee blog,

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Clat,
Aberdeenshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely hee-haw.

Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Scot!

Dear Tech Support...............

Hullo ma wee blog,

I have been thinking of making changes to my operating system so I contacted our wonderful Technical Support people to see if they could do anything to help me. They gave me some invaluable information which has helped inform my choices. This is probably more critical information for some of you out there rather than others but I thought I would share with you all just in case.

Here's the information I gave them which describes the issues I have been experiencing for some time.

DEAR TECH SUPPORT.

I have been using your system for several years now and find that I am experiencing some difficulties which I hope you can support with a resolution.

I originally installed Girlfriend 1.0 and over time I successfully upgraded through versions 2.0 to 7.0. I then installed Fiance 1.0 and after a fairly short and trouble free period I installed the optional Wife 1.0 upgrade to this system. Its at this point that things slowly began to go wrong.

I found that Wife 1.0 began unexpected child processing which took up a huge amount of time and resources. In addition to this, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all my other programmes and can be found constantly scanning programmes in security mode. This means that applications such as Golf 6.0, Fishing 3.1, Footie 1.0, Beer and Buddies 4.1 and Farting 3.0 are no longer able to function at their original speeds and frequency. I have tried but failed to find any means to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while trying to run these favourite applications.

I have tried to go back to Girlfriend 7.0 but have not been able to uninstall Wife 1.0 no matter what I do.

Can you please advise.

THE RESPONSE

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that many male users complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 under the misapprehension that this is just a utilities and entertainment system. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Wife 1.0 IS A FULL OPERATING SYSTEM and has been carefully designed to run EVERYTHING.

It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is not possible to uninstall or purge the programme files from your system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is programmed not to allow this.

Please consult your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Childmaintenance.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0. There are several things you can try to improve the situation. I suggest you install the background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation. the best course of action is to enter the command C/:APOLOGISE as you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a very good system but it can be high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programmes which are highly useful such as Cook It 3.0, Clean and Sweep 2.0. and Bill Processing/Payment 1.5 but you do need to be very careful how you use these programmes. Improper use will invariably result in the auto launch of Nag-Nag 9.0 which can seriously affect your use of any other systems. If this happens you will have to buy additional support programmes to install on to your Wife 1.0. Most effective bolt on supports are Flowers 1.0 and Diamonds 5.5, although Jewelery 2.1 and Abject Grovelling 9.0 are also worth considering.

WARNING - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INSTALL SECRETARY WITH SHORT SKIRT 3.3 OR GLAMOROUS FEMALE FRIEND 2.1 Wife 1.0 is programmed to reject these and this may cause irreparable damage to the operating system and/or user.

We hope this clarifies the situation.
Best of luck
Tech Support

see you later.......

Listening to Police 'Every Step You Take'

Did you hear the one about............

photo - 'sectarian pandas'

A new doctor is being shown around the hospital and is being walked down the ward. As they pass the first bed the patient calls out

" Fair fa your honest sonsie face! ".

The new doctor sees the other is unconcerned and they walk on.

As they pass the next bed, this patient also calls out:

" poor wee coo'erin, timerous beastie! "

Now the doctor is slightly more alarmed, but again, the other is unconcerned and they walk on.

As they pass the next bed, once more the patient calls out

" some hae meat an canny eat and some nae meat that wantit! "

This time the doctor pulls on his colleagues sleeve and says

"I didn't realise this hospital had a psychiatric ward"

the other turns and replies

"Oh. No, we dont. This is The Burns unit"

Aye, awright............sorry.