Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Man Rules

We've always heard ” the rules ” from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male {AKA the right} side

Please note.. they are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!

1.We are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
   We need it up, you need it down.
   You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sport is like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
 Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Subtle hints don't work!
Strong hints don't work!
Obvious hints don't work!

Just say it simply, clearly and preferably more than once!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, don’t ask. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, you'll get an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the adverts on TV.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. Men see in only 16 colours.
Peach is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. I have no idea what colours mauve/russet or antique linen are. Indigo is a blogger pal.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, politics or current affairs.'

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but  that's ok -  It’s like camping.


Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

You're going to get a sore back sleeping on that campbed in the garage again. In the winter too.

I've seen most of these in one form or other but not the last 3. What do they do with all of those bloody shoes?
Ah, well, it's man's lot to suffer, and don't they do it so well.

Alistair said...

Ach - I figured 'if you can't get away with saying these things at Christmas time'..........

dbs said...

I agree with #1. ;)

Nicky said...

Hehe! This always makes me laugh! And I loved the wine story :) I've learned (ridiculously slowly) over the years that if I want a man to understand what I have to say, then I have to speak in his language. That usually means stating the obvious, and giving options, rather than open-ended questions. The latest good example was when I asked my boyfriend a few days ago whether he would prefer to choose my Christmas present on his own, or would he prefer me to provide him with a list and accompany him shopping. Yes, he'd much prefer a list and a shopping companion. It's a win-win situation.

lom said...

Seasons greetings

jono said...

I laughed...But very quietly.

Morning's Minion said...

Hmm, I definitely recognize the male attitude here--I suppose after many years of marriage and still counting, I must be resigned to it.

Alistair said...

Nicky - A man? Understand a woman? Nae chance!

lom - Merry Christmas to you and yours too...

Jono - Wise man { which is handy at this time of year}

MM - Ah! So you're the one the conditioning technique has worked on. I heard there was one but thought it was just rumour.....

Bovey Belle said...

This tickled me pink! I'm afraid there are a few too many home truths there to make it comfortable reading for someone of my sex . . . or should that be gender?

Alistair said...

Uncomfortable truths perhaps BB. Poor Mr BB that's all I can say.......

Rebecca S. said...

I wondered if this was original until the bit about Indigo. Well done, and very accurate from where I sit.

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