Well I Never.....

Don't I look surprised and happy?

Hullo ma wee blog,

By the time you read this I'll be gone.

It's my birthday next week. Not that that's anything momentous on its own of course, but I was taken by surprise last night when my Lovely G announced that we were going away for a few days. That too isn't necessarily momentous either. We often get away for my birthday. This year I wasn't expecting anything special - I rarely do - so I was delighted and taken by surprise when she announced that she was taking me for a short break to Prague instead of as I expected, to somewhere here in Scotland. I'd been talking it over with a pal the other day, idly chatting, when he asked if we had anything planned for my birthday. I said that as far as I knew we hadn't anything organised but I hope that maybe we would have a few days up north. Maybe even we would have a stay at The Balahulish Hotel  {probably my all time favourite} if we could. As far as I was concerned that would be great - but even that wasn't an expectation. Just one of those comments you make when speculating almost without conscious though.

Now, when the Lovely G announced we were of to Prague I was genuinely surprised and delighted and I felt really chuffed that she went to all the trouble of organising the break, keeping it secret and broke the news to me the way she did. Although she's been before I haven't and have wanted to go and see it for ages. I love old towns and cities, going to new places and new countries and just soaking in a different culture, tasting the local food and drinks, enjoying a different language around me and seeing things I've never seen before. Things like that are perfect when I have G beside me because we like many of the same things but see them, as we all do, slightly differently, and that in itself is exciting and interesting as we point out different things and talk about different aspects of our experience together. For me it's one of the wonders about G, how differently from me she sees things yet how it compliments my understanding, makes it better and gives me perspective I would otherwise miss. In that respect I feel we are like two halves of the same person and I think/hope she feels the same way.

But I'm not demonstrative about things. Even though I think I'm showing pleasure I'm not that expressive. I can be having great fun and yet sometimes people will ask me if I'm ok which sometimes really spoils it all for me as then I get on edge looking out for how others are thinking about me. I feel like maybe I should put on a bit of a performance so they know I'm enjoying it but that would in itself spoil it for me.  I'm perfectly fine, maybe I'm just concentrating on something about it - one particular aspect or a thought or feeling - or maybe I'm just letting the vibe wash over me but somewhere someone gets worried that I'm less than happy, less than satisfied. It can be a problem especially when someone else has gone out of the way to do something or other, made a special effort to make something just perfect in their eyes and then I don't respond the way they expect. What do they want? Should I jump up and down and clap my hands?. Should I scream and shout and make manic faces at them? I think I smile. I think I say thank you very clearly and let them know that I'm really happy about whatever it is, but once I've done that, well.......I've done it and just want to get on and enjoy it in my own quiet way.

Maybe I'm difficult to please?
Maybe I'm hard to read?
Maybe they don't really believe me when I tell them how pleased/satisfied/happy/delirious/ecstatic I am.

{Maybe I'm autistic?}

Today my Lovely G called from work to see how I was and told me how all the girls in the office knew that she had been arranging this trip and was going to tell me all about it last night so they wanted to know how it had gone down, wanted all the details. How had I taken it? What had I thought? Was I excited? How had I reacted? She could only tell them that I'd seemed pleased but was my usual unemotive self and that once I'd found out I didn't start asking a hundred questions about how we were getting there, where we were staying, why she had picked it and what we were going to do or see while we were there. They were gutted for her. For me though that's normal. I know I'm going somewhere I've never been before. I know I'm staying somewhere I've never stayed before and we're going to do things together we've never done before and I'm looking forward, really looking forward to it. I want to - I will - enjoy all that as it happens. I don't want to live it all in expectation now, before we get there. To me that'll make less of it somehow. I know I'm going to love it because my Lovely G loves it. I know I'm going to enjoy it because I'm going with her and will be spending time with her, just the two of us. I know she'll enjoy taking me places she's been before and that we'll enjoy going to places neither of us have been to because we're doing that together.

So I'm sorry that I didn't do a back somersault or scream ecstatically in surprise. I'm sorry I didn't react like I had just scored the best ever goal at a football match {Scotland V Holland, World Cup 1978 - and you know what goal I'm talking about boys!} but that's me.

I am who I am even though sometimes - even often - I wish I wasn't..........

But I am so much looking forward to the next few days.

See you later - when I get back.

I've scheduled a couple of posts for while I'm away.

{oops - just realised that includes this one. Just the one to come then - Sunday - enjoy}