Monday, 15 February 2010

Dear Tech Support...............

Hullo ma wee blog,

I have been thinking of making changes to my operating system so I contacted our wonderful Technical Support people to see if they could do anything to help me. They gave me some invaluable information which has helped inform my choices. This is probably more critical information for some of you out there rather than others but I thought I would share with you all just in case.

Here's the information I gave them which describes the issues I have been experiencing for some time.


I have been using your system for several years now and find that I am experiencing some difficulties which I hope you can support with a resolution.

I originally installed Girlfriend 1.0 and over time I successfully upgraded through versions 2.0 to 7.0. I then installed Fiance 1.0 and after a fairly short and trouble free period I installed the optional Wife 1.0 upgrade to this system. Its at this point that things slowly began to go wrong.

I found that Wife 1.0 began unexpected child processing which took up a huge amount of time and resources. In addition to this, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all my other programmes and can be found constantly scanning programmes in security mode. This means that applications such as Golf 6.0, Fishing 3.1, Footie 1.0, Beer and Buddies 4.1 and Farting 3.0 are no longer able to function at their original speeds and frequency. I have tried but failed to find any means to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while trying to run these favourite applications.

I have tried to go back to Girlfriend 7.0 but have not been able to uninstall Wife 1.0 no matter what I do.

Can you please advise.


Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that many male users complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 under the misapprehension that this is just a utilities and entertainment system. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Wife 1.0 IS A FULL OPERATING SYSTEM and has been carefully designed to run EVERYTHING.

It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is not possible to uninstall or purge the programme files from your system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is programmed not to allow this.

Please consult your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Childmaintenance.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0. There are several things you can try to improve the situation. I suggest you install the background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation. the best course of action is to enter the command C/:APOLOGISE as you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a very good system but it can be high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programmes which are highly useful such as Cook It 3.0, Clean and Sweep 2.0. and Bill Processing/Payment 1.5 but you do need to be very careful how you use these programmes. Improper use will invariably result in the auto launch of Nag-Nag 9.0 which can seriously affect your use of any other systems. If this happens you will have to buy additional support programmes to install on to your Wife 1.0. Most effective bolt on supports are Flowers 1.0 and Diamonds 5.5, although Jewelery 2.1 and Abject Grovelling 9.0 are also worth considering.

WARNING - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INSTALL SECRETARY WITH SHORT SKIRT 3.3 OR GLAMOROUS FEMALE FRIEND 2.1 Wife 1.0 is programmed to reject these and this may cause irreparable damage to the operating system and/or user.

We hope this clarifies the situation.
Best of luck
Tech Support

see you later.......

Listening to Police 'Every Step You Take'


Big Swifty said...

My password is briancloughgandalfmickjaggerothellovangoghmadrid, which is not very convenient, but technical support said it should be five characters and a capital.

Alistair said...

priceless 2.1

Bovey Belle said...

LOL here! Whatever you do, DON'T run the Jewellery 5.0 user's manual disc or you may live to regret it!

Alistair said...

hilarious 1.0

Dad said...

Hey Al - stopped by and had to let you know I am LOVING that profile pic'!!!!

But you probably knew that already.

Alistair said...

Hullo Dad,

I'm glad you approve. It was going to be Tracer Bullet at one incarnation but it turned out like this.

Glad you approve.


Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

hahaha! That's all I can say...

Scottish Nature Boy said...

Ho ho - brave man ...

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